Abuse can show itself in many forms. The abuser doesn’t have to hit you to disrespect you. In fact most women claim to rather be hit than verbally and emotionally stripped of their mental freedom. I beg to differ but the serial death grip around my neck is what taught me that none of it was justifiable.
It can take years to realize you’re being abused. I believed many of the things my abuser told me because I always seek self improvement. I valued his judgment. I was planning to marry him so naturally I wanted to submit to his ideals. I took many of his suggestions as ways to make myself better. It didn’t hit me til it hit me that his suggestions were all about molding me to who he felt I should be and not who God designed me to be. This is how a “strong, confident woman” (as many of you have called me) could find herself in such a situation.
The physical is unfortunate because the only thing realistically worse than that is encountering death itself. Which happens all too often in domestic situations as it progressively worsens. There are no exceptions. I tried everything in the book before I walked away. We went to counseling. We read self-help books together. We had professionals walking us through our relationship as well as weekly church visits. Don’t get me wrong we both made some incredible changes for the good. But people only change if they truly want to. My abuser NEVER even admitted to putting his hands on me. And yet still I stayed. I was loyal to a severe fault. Many women are. I just wanted a family.
Many women don’t even get away.
Many people don’t find their smile again. That’s why I call myself a survivor and am seeking out other survivors.
On a weekly basis I have a woman contact me here or in public to tell me she is working up the strength to leave. Women I do not know but would risk my life to save.
I’m so thankful to be in a place to have people come to me. Lord knows how hard it was for me to go to others when I was planning my own exit.
It is a daily exercise to detox yourself from the damage and scars of being manipulated, blackmailed, disrespected, neglected, rejected, and punished by someone you dearly love. Sometimes the pressure of overcoming becomes so hard to face you want to convince yourself that staying is a safer journey even if the destination is shortened.
I have to remind myself daily of my own worth just to drown out the voice of how ugly and shameful of a person I am from others. The hypnosis really helped with that part.
Can I confess something? I’ve damn near starved since I left my ex. And you know what? I’d rather have an empty fridge and almost lose my home than to ever sleep next to someone I began counting down the days when things would go just a little too far the next time.
I know it is too much for some people to stomach but it truly helps to reach out to people who can help you with your suppressed emotions. Believe me, I’d much rather write a blog about how to decorate your spring home or capitalize sales in a local market. But here I am. And the one thing I’ve taken from all of this more than anything is all of me is a packaged deal. And I will accept, love, respect, protect, appreciate and celebrate that entire package.
Numbness is a temporary resolve. It’s only good for a little while. Eventually your pain resurfaces because you need healing. And take it from me alcohol only makes it worse. Self medication is not the answer. Writing really helped me and now I am learning to be more vocal. I thank everyone who helped me get this far and for the ladies I know reading my blogs and going home to a place you question your safety just know I do this for you.
No one can make you leave, but I can assure you regardless how much I have struggled I am better off alone. Every minute away from someone putting me down and breaking my heart just to bandage it then stick a knife in it again is just no compromise for true peace.
I have put my life story on Facebook because I can’t reach everyone personally. And it’s proven to be a source of healing for many. Whoever I date next will have to be very understanding of my lifestyle and reasoning. However I am free because I actually allowed myself to go through the healing process. Abuse cycles are extremely hard to break. Especially when they stem from your early childhood. Especially when you have had a number of abusers in your life. Sadly my last serious ex was the best thing to happen to me. He saved me from some very severe situations. I never would have thought my life to be in danger with him.
But that is how it works ladies. I didn’t heal myself emotionally from my childhood and I kept finding myself trapped in worse situations seeking a father figure and winding up with one like my own.
Unfortunately I know far more men that were abusive than I do that were not.
It was easy for me to assume men just didn’t treat women right. But God placed a few men in my life at a distance that I watched treat their children and wives like gold. I’m so thankful for their small presence in my life because it gave me something to believe in.
We often don’t allow ourselves to heal. We just suppress our pain. I suppressed things so deep I woke up ready to attack people in my own home. For years I couldn’t sit with my back to people in a restaurant.
You cannot just forget about trauma. It is best to face it then you can truly heal.
I’m on a journey to wellness because people believed in me. I wasn’t the next girl because people cared when they didn’t have to. People reached out without me telling them a thing. God sent me angels to break my silence and for that I will never be quiet again.
#domesticviolenceawareness #breakthecycle #raiseawareness #silenceunchained #stoptheviolence #fightabuse #dontsettle #nevergiveup #Phil413
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