Warning – graphic content –
While building my website tonight I came across photos of my past life.
As I quickly scanned through, I saw a photo of me the day after someone threatened to take my life from me. I took it for this very moment. So years later I’d look back and remember why I had to get away.
I have to be bold and share this because someone is giving their lover another chance. Someone is convincing themselves that they are the reason. Someone is denying they are abused at all. Someone is dreaming of a day that the person they “love” would love them in return.
I see the pain in my eyes at that time.
I see the dried blood on my face. The swollen lip. The busted nose.
The bruises and hand prints on my neck. The boot print on my cheek. I remember the names I was called. The fear I lived in. Him telling me I was so much sexier with bigger lips after he hit me and made my face swell. How could I ever forget that when he found the picture he told me he would put every naked photo and video of me online to ruin my reputation if anyone ever saw this photo?
I think about my mindset when sleeping in my closet with my feet pressed on the door just to be left alone when he was angry. I hear his apologies in my head. I remember skipping church and work so my wounds could not be seen. The lies to cover the wounds. The fantasies to conceal the pain. I remember how successful I was in my career and yet still too hopeless and insecure to believe life existed beyond this. I remember being told no one would want me after the life I have lived. I will never forget him holding me while saying, “It’s okay I accept you regardless of your faults” just moments after he told me he would break my jaw if I ever challenge him again.
It ABSOLUTELY kills me inside to think of women still going through this life. Still subjecting themselves to this pain. Still believing he will change. It’s a sickness only God can heal. Believe me He is still working on me. I share to heal myself and save anyone who will listen.
It’s not worth staying while your lover gets help. It’s not worth praying he stops hurting you. Marriage won’t keep him from killing you. Church won’t stop him from seeing you as his target.
I’m a woman of God and faith is my number one source of living but I’ll be the first to say, if he did it once he WILL do it again. I spent years in therapy with him and he did it anyway. Lied right to my pastor’s face. So did I.
Please for the love of God. Leave.
And remember you aren’t alone. It can happen to anyone. I vow to be here anytime day or night. Just reach for me. We will get through it together. You can live happily ever after. Just not with him.
“I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.”
#Phil413 #SilenceUnchained #LifeisShort #LoveYourself #GodLovesYou